Depression

I don't know the statistics of the people who suffer from depression.  I have been battling mine for over 35 years.  I don't know what brought it on.  I do remember having to deal with a cheating husband who also had a gambling addiction when it got so bad, I had to seek treatment.  I don't know if I had it before or not.  It started out with mood swings that were severe.  Then came the excessive crying for whatever reason.  Then came the panic attacks.  If you have ever had a panic attack, you know the feeling of doom thet encompasses you.  You wonder if you are going crazy, or maybe you already are in that world where no one can reach you.  All you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.  You know that if you get better, you have to cope with something that seems to suck the life out of you.  Your chest hurts like you are having a heart attack, but you realize that it's your broken heart that someone had promised never to break.  You can't breathe.  It hurts too much and takes more energy than you think you have.  And so many tears.  Where do they come from?  Is it possible to become dehydrated from crying?  Is it ever going to stop?  I have good days and bad days.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I couldn't muster up the strength to even get out of bed.  I couldn't talk to anyone without wanting to say hurtful things.  That's because I wanted everyone else to be as miserable as I was.  But I also wanted to be left alone to wallow in my misery.  Over the years, I have learned that depression has become a way of life for me.  The doctors can't seem to get my medication to control my depression all the time.  I don't think anyone who has depression is "controlled" all the time.  You can seem to be controlled when you are around people, and then have a "break down" when you get in the privacy of your own home.  I am pretty good at that.  I lived a double life for so many years.  It was one way at home, and another way in public.  You lose yourself and your self-esteem.  You manage to get up every day and pretend everything is good.  You go about your day like you live in a dream world.  No one would ever expect you are living in a virtual hell.  You hate to go home, but you have children who need you.  Every day is the same.  There is no excape.  All the pent up rejections, insults, name calling, and various other unpleasant things have to be vented sometimes.  I guess you just explode and let it all out.  Today is better.  I did manage to get up and go and eat lunch with my daughter and sister.  I enjoyed getting out for a while.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I can only take it one day at a time.  May god bless and keep you always.