Kisses

Today I am missing kisses from that long tongue of my Emily.  Like most chihuahuas, she had and extremely long tongue.  It stuck out of her mouth most of the time after she had some age on her.  When she licked you, it was like her tongue kept coming and coming out of her mouth.  It was also so slender.  When she slept, her tongue would slip out of her mouth.  As she slept, the tip of her tongue would dry and get cold.  It took her a few seconds to wake up, but then she would put her tongue back into her mouth and lick until the tip of her tongue was moist and warm again.  She would growl at you if you tried to touch it.  I guess when she lost her front teeth, it was harder for her to keep her tongue in her mouth.  I was just thinking about her, like I do quite often know that she is not around.  I have her teeth.  I have some of her hair.  I have some great memories.  I know she is in a better place.  I miss you, precious angel.  You will always have a special place in my heart forever.  You were so much a part of my life for such a long time.  I wil forever miss and love you.

Broken heart

Today my heart is breaking.  My precious Emily Sue is gone to doggy heaven.  I love you so much.  I already miss you, and you've barely been gone an hour.  I know you are in a better place, but it is so hard to let you go.  I have all those wonderful memories of you.  I have many pictures of you.  I have some of your hair, and most of your teeth.  Your last couple of days you spent in excrutiating pain from your arthritis.  Your medication was not working anymore.  You were on the strongest medication available for your condition.  It was so hard to watch you suffer, but even harder to make the decision that had to be made.  I know you were ready.  I could see it in your face.  I love you too much to watch you suffer like you were.  I will never forget the yelps of pain whenever you moved or whenever I tried to pick you up.  I prayed for you and for God to give me the strength to do what needed to be done.  When the Dr. gave you the pain medication, I could see the relief that came over your face.  You were so comfortable and peaceful--something you hadn't experienced in a long, long time.  I think you had been trying to tell me how much pain you were in for awhle, but I was not ready to let you go.  I am still not ready to let you go, but that is not fair to you.  I know that you are not in any pain now.  I can just see you running and jumping in doggy heaven, something you have not been able to do much lately.  You run and jump and play with all your friends, my precious baby.  Meme is there to watch over you until I get there.  You were with her when she died.  She has been waiting for you to come to her.  I love you enough to let you go to that wonderful place where there is not any pain.  A place of beauty where you can enjoy the pleasures of your life that you have not enjoyed for some time now.  I will honor your memory forever.  Never forget that your mother loves you and always will.  Rest in Peace, my baby girl.  You will live in my heart forever.  Until we meet again...

Image

Wonder if there would be eating disorders if "plus size" was the size to be?  If "fat" was the in thing, would people still suffer from anorexia, bulimia, purging, etc.?  I am a plus size senior woman.  I have been plus size most of my life.  I like blingy clothes, I love bright colors, and I like loose fitting clothes.  Very few shops have clothes that I like or feel comfortable in.  I don't want to look like a teen-ager nor do I want to look frumpy because of my age.  Thank goodness for stores like Fashion Bug (my favorite), Cato's, Lane Bryant, and sometimes Wal-mart.  You can 't even find patterns anymore for us "fluffy" women.  Wal-Mart does not have a great variety or selection for us.  I have been in stores where the largest size they carry is 10.  I have been on vacations to places where the largest tourist t-shirt size is large.  Reality Check people and businesses.  We like to patronize your businesses, but we need larger sizes.  And contrary to popular belief, some of us like our sizes.  Imagine walking down the street with a man who is not obsessed by your size!   I know there are men out there who like the larger woman.  I know there are men out there who love their ladies even though they have gained weight.  I know there are men out there who are not embarrassed (my x's excuse) to be seen in public with their ladies.  It does not matter what size you are, most people are consumed with their weight.  I am too big, I am too small, I need to lose weight, I need to gain weight (definitely not my problem), I need to exercise more, I need to drink more water.  Never satisfied.  I know people who have had stomach stapling, bypass surgery, etc.  All of them have gained back most of the weight that they lost through so much suffering.  And they are still as worried about their weight as ever.  It is so hard to lose and keep it off.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could lose it as easy as it was to put it on?  Some of us also have medical problems with meds which can cause weight problems, either the meds, the disease, or both.  Unfortunately, mine are all associated with weight gain.  And as you get older, your metabolism slows down.  So does your energy level, your activity level, your income, etc.  Oh well.  Nobody said it would be easy.  And my EASY button is broken.  May God bless and keep you until we meet again.

Scrapbooking

Ever want to get lost in your thoughts?  How about getting lost in your memories!!!  That is what scrapbooking is all about.  Use your imagination to create beautiful backgrounds for those treasured memories.  Memories that you may have forgotten or just pushed to back of your mind.  Some of those memories bring smiles, some bring tears, some you can't believe really happened, and how in the world did I get that on film?  Isn't it amazing the good things that happened in our lives?  You think to yourself, "How could I have forgotten that?"  I have pictures that can never be replace or reproduced, esp. of my Mom and Dad.  Pictures of relatives that have been long gone or just recently departed.  And you wonder why you didn't take the time to take more pictures of those wonderful people whe had such a profound affect on your life.  My Mom and Dad both had to work to barely make ends meet.  We stayed with relatives and really enjoyed it.  We had cousins to play with.  No video games, not much tv (only could get 3 channels if you could get the antennae turned to keep the picture from fading).  Remember how cold that antennae pole was in the winter.  And we had to turn it with our hands!!!  We rode our bicycles everywhere.  We had roller skates that fit over our shoes.  You had a key to turn to tighten the skates to fit whatever pair of shoes you had on at the time.  Cooking hot dogs and roasting marshmallows over an open fire was only done on the week-ends because that was a real treat for us.  The only place we could afford to eat out was the Dairy Queen.  There weren't that many restaurants back in the day.  Only a few "cafes" scattered over several counties.  We had our 8-balls to answer all our questions about our futures.  We wrote our boyfriends name in all our notebooks (on, in, and anywhere else it would fit).  We wrote Mrs. blank balnk a million times and surrounded it by all sizes of hearts.  We went to church on Sunday's whether we wanted to or not.  You were not given a choice.  We helped to feed the hogs (I loved the sound of them eating corn and mixing the "slop" (a powder you mixed with water) and listening to them slurp it up).  I liked to scratch their backs and watch them wallow in the mud to keep cool in the simmer.  I did not like the winter when time came to slaughter them to make hams and ground sausage and cracklings and bacon.  There was a lot of lard rendering, too.  We used that to cook.   I had to have supper on the table when my parents got off work.  I got 50 cents a week for chores which I did, or my Dad took the belt to my hind end.  That 50 cents had to last all week.  I remember saving dimes to buy me a pair of penny loafers.  I had to borrow a formal from one of my friends to wear to the Prom.  I miss those days when life seemed so simple.  But I don't think I would change any of it if I could.  I wish that our young people could have known those days.  May God bless and keep you each and every day.

How are spending New Year's Eve?

How are spending New Year's Eve?

Depression

I don't know the statistics of the people who suffer from depression.  I have been battling mine for over 35 years.  I don't know what brought it on.  I do remember having to deal with a cheating husband who also had a gambling addiction when it got so bad, I had to seek treatment.  I don't know if I had it before or not.  It started out with mood swings that were severe.  Then came the excessive crying for whatever reason.  Then came the panic attacks.  If you have ever had a panic attack, you know the feeling of doom thet encompasses you.  You wonder if you are going crazy, or maybe you already are in that world where no one can reach you.  All you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.  You know that if you get better, you have to cope with something that seems to suck the life out of you.  Your chest hurts like you are having a heart attack, but you realize that it's your broken heart that someone had promised never to break.  You can't breathe.  It hurts too much and takes more energy than you think you have.  And so many tears.  Where do they come from?  Is it possible to become dehydrated from crying?  Is it ever going to stop?  I have good days and bad days.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I couldn't muster up the strength to even get out of bed.  I couldn't talk to anyone without wanting to say hurtful things.  That's because I wanted everyone else to be as miserable as I was.  But I also wanted to be left alone to wallow in my misery.  Over the years, I have learned that depression has become a way of life for me.  The doctors can't seem to get my medication to control my depression all the time.  I don't think anyone who has depression is "controlled" all the time.  You can seem to be controlled when you are around people, and then have a "break down" when you get in the privacy of your own home.  I am pretty good at that.  I lived a double life for so many years.  It was one way at home, and another way in public.  You lose yourself and your self-esteem.  You manage to get up every day and pretend everything is good.  You go about your day like you live in a dream world.  No one would ever expect you are living in a virtual hell.  You hate to go home, but you have children who need you.  Every day is the same.  There is no excape.  All the pent up rejections, insults, name calling, and various other unpleasant things have to be vented sometimes.  I guess you just explode and let it all out.  Today is better.  I did manage to get up and go and eat lunch with my daughter and sister.  I enjoyed getting out for a while.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I can only take it one day at a time.  May god bless and keep you always.