How are spending New Year's Eve?

How are spending New Year's Eve?

Depression

I don't know the statistics of the people who suffer from depression.  I have been battling mine for over 35 years.  I don't know what brought it on.  I do remember having to deal with a cheating husband who also had a gambling addiction when it got so bad, I had to seek treatment.  I don't know if I had it before or not.  It started out with mood swings that were severe.  Then came the excessive crying for whatever reason.  Then came the panic attacks.  If you have ever had a panic attack, you know the feeling of doom thet encompasses you.  You wonder if you are going crazy, or maybe you already are in that world where no one can reach you.  All you want to do is crawl into a hole and die.  You know that if you get better, you have to cope with something that seems to suck the life out of you.  Your chest hurts like you are having a heart attack, but you realize that it's your broken heart that someone had promised never to break.  You can't breathe.  It hurts too much and takes more energy than you think you have.  And so many tears.  Where do they come from?  Is it possible to become dehydrated from crying?  Is it ever going to stop?  I have good days and bad days.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I couldn't muster up the strength to even get out of bed.  I couldn't talk to anyone without wanting to say hurtful things.  That's because I wanted everyone else to be as miserable as I was.  But I also wanted to be left alone to wallow in my misery.  Over the years, I have learned that depression has become a way of life for me.  The doctors can't seem to get my medication to control my depression all the time.  I don't think anyone who has depression is "controlled" all the time.  You can seem to be controlled when you are around people, and then have a "break down" when you get in the privacy of your own home.  I am pretty good at that.  I lived a double life for so many years.  It was one way at home, and another way in public.  You lose yourself and your self-esteem.  You manage to get up every day and pretend everything is good.  You go about your day like you live in a dream world.  No one would ever expect you are living in a virtual hell.  You hate to go home, but you have children who need you.  Every day is the same.  There is no excape.  All the pent up rejections, insults, name calling, and various other unpleasant things have to be vented sometimes.  I guess you just explode and let it all out.  Today is better.  I did manage to get up and go and eat lunch with my daughter and sister.  I enjoyed getting out for a while.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I can only take it one day at a time.  May god bless and keep you always.

How are spending New Year's Eve?

Guess a lot of you are planning parties, getting supplies for ringing in the New Year, planning on watching ball games on tv, and various other activities that you may not be prepared to discuss tactfully.  In my younger days, I would answer what most young people even now would say, "PPPPAAAARRRRTTTTAAAAAYYYY!!!  Most middle age people still like to party and act like they are young.  Too each his/her own.  Why do people think they have to act like others think they are supposed too?  I have heard many young, middle aged, and seniors say "I don't really want to go, but guess I will."  If you don't want to go, why go?  Why worry so much about what other people think?  I guess I am at that age where you can say, "Well, she's old.  You have to look over her sometimes."  You don't have to look over me.  If you don't like what I have to say, then don't ask.  I learned early in life not to lie.  It takes too much energy and brain power to keep up with all the lies after you start telling them.  It got me a nickname that I was proud of--the "B" word.  That meant that people wouldn't mess with me.  But it also meant that when someone asked me something, they expected me to tell them the truth.  I would always ask, "Do you really want to know what I think?  I don't believe you are going to like what I have to say."  You don't have to mean about it.  I figure if someone respects you enough to ask, you should respect them enough to tell them the truth.  A lot of the time, the truth hurts.  That is why it is called the "truth."  But after a while, people begin to trust in your judgement.  They may just need another prospective on whatever they are having trouble dealing with, and they value your input.  Many times I have heard my friends and family say, "Tell me what you think.  I know you will tell me the truth."  I will even explain what I have to tell you if needed.  Needless to say, I value my opinions.  And I have a lot, most of which I try to keep to myself.  I try not to volunteer my opinions or force them on anyone else.  I just wait until someone asks.  My answers have cost me what others called themselves "friends."  I have made my family mad for short periods of time, but they always seem to forgive me.  And believe it or not, I still have quite a few friends all over the United States who still call me, text me, e-mail me, or contact me on facebook.  You can not have to many friends.  True and lasting friendship is hard to come by but very rewarding if you are lucky enough to have some.  Just keep in mind that kindness with truth will make the truth a little easier to hear.  Smile even if you don't feel like it.  I think I have gotten off track.  So.  Let me finish what I started.  I plan to celebrate New Year's Eve like I always do.  I will watch the big ball drop in New York City (on tv, of course).  I will be at home drinking my diet coke.  I will be with my loved ones--my daughter, grandson, 3 dogs, 2 hermit crabs, and a blue male betta with fringey fins.  I will be surrounded by love.  However you celebrate, be safe and make good decisions beforehand if needed.   May God bless you today and each and every day.

To resolute or not....

Have you made your New Year's Resolution(s)?  I try to keep mine simple.  I have favorites I use every year just like everyone else, whether they admit it or not.  I feel like keeping mine secret sometimes.  When someone asks, I just smile and turn the conversation back in their direction.  It's really pretty simple.  I always use "I am going to lose weight this year."  Notice there is not a specified amount.  One pound lost, and I have met that goal.  Or how about "I'm going to try and save some money this year."  Another non-specific amount.  Hey.  I think you are catching on!  I can't resolve to take better of my animals.  They let me live with them.  And they are spoiled beyond belief.  I am going to try to witness to others more.  I am blessed that I have the relationship that I do with God.  He blesses me daily, even when I don't ask.  Each day, I turn everything to Him and invite Him to lead the way for me.  The only thing He expects me to do is follow.  That is not always the easiest thing to do, but easy is not what I expect.  It has never been easy for me, but I have been blessed so much lately.  The power of prayer never ceases to amaze me.  There is a line on one of Sugarland's songs---"Girl, don't forget what your knees are for."  But you can pray anytime and anywhere.  You should never be embarrassed to pray.  I pray in public all the time.  People around you don't even notice.  They are too busy with whatever they are doing.  If they do know I am praying, maybe that is the inspiration they need to start.  I have noticed more people praying over their food in public.  We should all be proud of our Salvation.  Never be ashamed to be a child of God.  It is a wonderful thing when the Holy Spirit fills your body.  It is a wonderful thing to know you are never alone, no matter where you are.

Men don't want real women...

Real women age.  Real women gain weight that is really hard to take off and keep off.  Real women can usually take care of themselves.  We like to let our men take care of us.  We like for someone to open the doors for us.  We like to hold hands in public.  We like to show affection in public.  Not the "get a room" kind, but a gentle brush of hair our of the face kind, the whispery talk that no one else can hear or would understand if they did, the "they look so in love" kind, the hand in the middle of your back when you walk together kind.  We don't want the wind to blow us away because there is not any meat on our bones.  We have come to realize that getting to and maintaining a size 2 is not our dream.  We don't want to be anorexic, bulemic, over use laxatives and emetics, calorie count to the extent that we weigh our emesis or bowel movements, exercise like maniacs, etc. that 95% of the women today do to maintain their figures.  To some of us, plastic surgery to keep us looking like we are 25 in the face when the rest of our body knows what our real age is.  Teen-agers today are already having plastic surgery to alter their body image.  They all think they are "fat" and have a start on low self-esteem.  Peer pressure is high and viscious if you are not with the "in crowd."  Bullying has increased and usually is focused on destroying someone's self-esteem.  Suicides from bullying is increasing and the victims are getting younger.  A 10 year old should be able to enjoy her life and not kill herself because someone else is jealous or is just mean.  Real women have to tolerate others starring at them, tolerate comments made by others about one thing or another (usually relating to their weight), hearing someone laugh as they walk by, hearing "oink, oink" in the background, and other vile things that people think of.  What if the tables were turned?  What if the full size women were the movie stars, actresses, models, etc.?  What a happy world this would be.  There are men out there that like the full size women.  But they don't wear signs so we would know them if we saw them.  So, look out, girls.  Big mamas are on the move!!!   Move over or we will run you over because you are not in any position to even hold your own with us.  Most of you can barely hold your own now because of malnutrition and damage done to your bodies from years of abuse caused by you.  I feel sorry for you.

Christmas Eve 2011

Another year has passed.  I did not realize how as you got older, the time really does fly by.  But that can be a good thing.  Spring will be here before you know it.  Then summer and so on.  I am spinding Christmas Eve by myself tonight.  My daughter and grandson are in Georgia visiting other family.  We had our Christmas on my birthday, (Dec. 21), the night before they left.  Shaun got an e-mail from Santa letting him know that he will be leaving his presents in Georgia.  I am enjoying the quiet.  And I miss all the commotion and 8 year old and his mother can make.  Drama takes a new meaning at my house.  You would think a little boy would not be dramatic.  Think again.  Shaun can beat most little divas in a heart beat.  I don't remember drama as being a part of my life.  My dad did not allow drama.  He did not allow a lot of things, but I think I turned out all right.  I love children.  I could sit and watch them and listen to them converse forever, I think.  The innocence is amazing.  The trust is unimaginable.  If everyone could see the world through the eyes of a child, what this world could be.  There would not be any limits to the things that could be accomplished.  How simple things could be. Maybe the children should be the leaders of our country.  We haven't done such a good job.  We could all use a little fantsy in our life.  Reality is not all it is cut out to be.

What do I want for Christmas?

World peace?  Money?  Riches beyond whatever I could ever imagine?  These seem to be standardized answers that people have used for years.  And many are still trying to accomplish at least one of these.  I am thankful for what I have because it has been provided for me by God.  I have been lucky that most of my needs have been met by prayer and faith.  They may have not been what I wanted at the time, but they were surely what I needed.  I am very blessed and don't mind sharing that with others.  I have friends and family support.  I have more love in my life than I can ever use and would not trade it for anything.  Look at the people who have riches.  They are miserable.  They don't seem to ever have enough money.  Some will do anything for money and recognition.  I look at those who seem to have it all and wonder if I had those riches, would I be any different?  You bet I would.  There are churches that need to be built that teach salvation.  There are missions that need support, and do what they can with the little that they have.  This year, my church did the shoeboxes for Christmas.  My family did two, one for a boy and one for a girl.  How many children or families don't have homes to celebrate Christmas?  How many children will not get a gift for Christmas?  More importantly, how many families will not celebrate Christmas with a church presence?  Our world is in a sad state these days.  If you have studied your Bible, you would know that the "end of days" is upone us.  This Christmas, the greatest gift that I have received is my salvation and knowing that I will spend eternity with my God.  I am not ready to go, but when my turn comes, I hope I am in the front of the line waiting to cross into those Golden Gates of Heaven.  I am proud to celebrate the birth of our Saviour.  He is the Reason for the Season.